It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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