Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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