hotel room ftw
I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
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