youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
literally had 100 drinks last night.
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
Randomize
