Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Randomize
