Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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