the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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