My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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