If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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