I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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