dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
