Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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