I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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