i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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