Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
