I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
