you can still come hang out if you want
I really don't feel like watching you play video games
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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