whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
