mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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