By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
