I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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