Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Randomize
