I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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