I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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