i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
