i would punch a child for taco bell
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
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