I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
