where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
