Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
