I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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