Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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