I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
