The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
