If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
