i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
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