Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
