I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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