I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Sensing a theme here
If alcoholism is a theme, yes.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
