I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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