When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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