Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
