I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
