My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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