trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I am midnight drunk by noon
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
