then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize
