I'm eating all of the evidence.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
