I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
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