I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
