oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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