I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
All I want is dick and wine.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
