My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
